By Julie Jargon
Melanie Parker had a difficult labor with the birth of her first
baby in August and was grieving because she wasn't able to hold and
nurse her baby immediately after her emergency C-section.
To find solace, she followed a lot of new mothers on Instagram,
and saw a post from a woman who'd had a similar birth experience: a
photo showing the woman separated from her newborn by a plastic
sheet. But Ms. Parker's heart sank when she read a comment beneath
the picture: "I can't even imagine not being able to hold and nurse
my baby."
"Mom-shaming isn't always overt," said Ms. Parker, who works in
financial services in New York. "It's often that side comment that
feels like your truth but comes out as judgment." She deleted her
Instagram account.
Among the things women learn about when they have their first
baby are all the social-media groups for new moms. The online
communities, which once supplemented in-person meetups, have become
the primary source of information and connection for many during
the pandemic.
But some of the groups women have turned to for support and
camaraderie have left them feeling even more isolated. Age-old
debates over best parenting practices are becoming more heated,
according to some moms. Fortunately, there are alternative apps and
services designed to reduce toxicity. (I've listed a few
below.)
After Hannah Howard had her first baby last April, she and her
husband, Anthony Mulira, like many parents, struggled to get their
baby to sleep. They tried everything from cuddling her to letting
her cry it out, but nothing was working.
In normal times, Ms. Howard might have talked about the bedtime
struggles with other new moms during stroller walks in the park or
at mommy-and-me classes. But everything had shut down in the weeks
before her baby was born, and the family quarantined with her
parents in New Jersey.
Browsing a forum on sleeping in the What to Expect app, Ms.
Howard, a Brooklyn-based food writer, came across a post from a
woman who wrote, "I will never mom-shame anyone for their decisions
in parenting. However..."
It went on to detail the supposed negative effects of letting
babies cry. As she read on, Ms. Howard felt increasingly bad about
her own experiments with sleep training, even though many top
pediatric sleep experts say it's fine to let babies cry for a
certain period.
From there, Ms. Howard said, she went down a rabbit hole of
mom's groups on Facebook and Instagram, only to find more haughty,
judgmental chatter.
Christine Mattheis, a vice president at What to Expect, said,
"The What to Expect Community was created to be a supportive place
where parents can share joys and concerns with others going through
similar experiences. That said, we know becoming a parent is a
stressful time for all -- especially over the last year -- and
sometimes emotions can run high." She continued, "Our team of
moderators works around the clock to address situations that
violate our rules so that conversations can get back on track to
being supportive."
Facebook said it provides group administrators and moderators
with a number of tools to manage their groups and prevent conflict.
Facebook also encourages members of groups to report abusive posts
and to block such people so they can't view things the reporting
member shares in the group.
SheRae Hunter, a photographer in Winchester, Va., had her fourth
child in December 2019 and says she has found some Facebook mom
groups to be increasingly toxic. "Asking a question in those groups
is opening the door to feeling inadequate," she said. The most
heated discussions she has seen have been around vaccines,
discipline and food.
She belonged to a Facebook group for mothers interested in
natural foods. Women often came to the group seeking natural
remedies for various childhood ailments like skin rashes. Ms.
Hunter said someone would always comment that vaccines were the
cause, which would kick off a discussion about whether vaccines
cause autism, although there is no credible link. Ms. Hunter, whose
son has autism, found such comments to be hurtful. "It wasn't good
for me, so I started to get away from those groups," she said.
Conz Preti, a mother of three and content director at lifestyle
brand Motherly, has worked in social media for more than a decade
and said she also has noticed a big shift in the past year.
"There are way more fights in the 2020 groups I joined compared
to the 2018 groups. There's a lot more drama and conflict," she
said. "We've all been isolated for a long time, and everyone is on
edge and tired, especially moms."
About three months ago, she posted a question to one group about
what size shoes her babies should be wearing. "Someone said,
'Shoes? Why? Where are you going? You're supposed to stay home,' "
she recalled. "Something very insignificant turned into this whole
argument."
More recently, a mother posted a photo of her 1-year-old biting
an apple. Other moms chided her for doing that, saying it's a
choking hazard. The woman had to respond that her pediatrician said
it was fine.
Ms. Preti decided to leave many of the Facebook groups. "I don't
need more drama," she said.
New mothers are especially vulnerable to psychological harm when
experiencing judgment, said Chitra Akileswaran, vice chair of
obstetrics and gynecology at Alameda Health System in the San
Francisco Bay Area and co-founder of family benefits platform Cleo
Labs Inc.
"Large forums with parents always have a tendency to regress to
the most judgmental perspective," she said. "Large forums with no
moderation are where moms are most likely to be hurt."
Having a baby during the pandemic has created an entirely new
degree of isolation that has taken a toll on women's mental health.
A recent study involving more than 1,000 pregnant and postpartum
women found that during the pandemic, 36% reported clinically
significant levels of depression. Before the pandemic, the number
of women diagnosed with perinatal depression was around 20%,
according to the study's authors.
Ms. Howard, the Brooklyn mother, didn't quit the forums, but she
is learning to approach them with more caution.
"I very slowly have been learning to stop seeking validation
from these groups and to trust what seems to be working," Ms.
Howard said. "I definitely still poke around from time to time, but
more confidence came from seeing my baby growing, happy and
sleeping somewhat better."
She also had a better experience when she joined a smaller
neighborhood group called Park Slope Parents, which she says is
well moderated and friendly.
What You Can Do
As Ms. Howard discovered, smaller social networks are promising
moms a kinder alternative to large forums and often act to mitigate
negativity. Here are a few.
Peanut . This app for hopeful and expectant mothers, and moms of
all stages, uses AI to flag language that contains negative
sentiments. If someone's post is flagged, they are given an
opportunity to rephrase it to be more supportive.
Taavi . An iOS app created by a mom who was tired of so much
judgment and mom-shaming, it connects women based on where they are
in pregnancy or motherhood, and puts them in groups with no more
than 15 members.
Band of Mothers. This platform for moms includes a podcast, a
comedy show and an online marketplace, and it has an app it
describes as a "safe space for moms," with a zero-tolerance policy
for bullies.
SocialMama . This app says it maintains a "supportive,
judgment-free mom community" and facilitates friendships through
profile matching. It also provides free access to mental-health and
family-medicine experts.
HeyMama . Though it is a professional networking platform for
working mothers, many use it to seek advice about infant care and
other personal issues. There is an application process and
membership fees. (Full disclosure: I am a member.)
Friended . While not geared specifically to mothers, many have
turned to this app to find answers to parenting questions. There
are no group conversations in the app; all contact is one on one.
Users must take a kindness pledge.
Write to Julie Jargon at julie.jargon@wsj.com
(END) Dow Jones Newswires
February 20, 2021 09:14 ET (14:14 GMT)
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