Kids who have lost a parent or sibling bear a burden of sorrow
and anxiety, yet they strive to be resilient in the face of their
grief and greatly value the support of friends, family and the
community, according to the results of a first-ever nationwide poll
of bereaved kids released today by the New York Life Foundation and
the National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC).
Dealing with the death of a loved one is crushing, the findings
show. Three-quarters (75%) of the kids surveyed say they are
currently sad – even though, for the survey sample, the loss was
experienced on average more than two years ago. Nearly seven of 10
kids agree the death of their loved one was the worst thing that
ever happened to them. More than two in five (41 percent) said that
in reaction to their loss they had acted in ways that they knew
might not be good for them either physically, emotionally or
mentally.
“The death of a loved one is incredibly hard and isolating for
children,” said Chris Park, president of the New York Life
Foundation. “It engenders sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion,
guilt – emotions that all too often are suffered in isolation. Kids
in grief are trying hard to cope and heal, but it’s clear that they
desperately need our help to do so.
“But we are a grief-averse society, apparently hoping that if we
just ignore grief, it will go away,” Park said. “As a result,
families in grief – children in particular – often are left to
suffer alone and in silence, without sufficient understanding and
support from the people and institutions that could truly make a
difference for them.”
The New York Life Foundation /NAGC poll of 531 kids age 18 and
under who have lost a parent or sibling was conducted in-person at
bereavement centers nationwide between November 21, 2011 and
January 5, 2012. It is believed to be the first public opinion poll
of grieving children.
“The poll results are clear,” Park said. “Friends, neighbors,
teachers and counselors – and society at large – all have a crucial
role to play helping kids regain some equilibrium.”
More children may be struggling with loss than may be commonly
thought. A survey of 1,006 adults conducted in late 2009 by New
York Life with Comfort Zone Camp, a leading provider of bereavement
support services for children, found that one of nine Americans had
lost a parent before age 20; one in seven had lost a parent or
sibling before turning 20.
“We need to bring childhood grief out of the shadows,” Park
said. “It’s critical to help kids give voice to their struggles and
hopes – and in the process, shed light on what each of us can do to
help. We can’t eliminate their grief journey, but we can ease their
burden along the way. ”
Lives Shaped by Sadness
Kids in grief are weighted down by stark emotion, with nearly
half saying sadness is their overriding feeling in the wake of
their loss and four in 10 indicating they are “sad inside most of
the time.”
“The emotion that bereaved kids are experiencing might not
always be overt, but for many it is always present, coloring their
view of the world as well as their ability to pick up the pieces
following the death of a parent or sibling,” said Andy McNiel,
executive director, National Alliance for Grieving Children. “One
of grief’s most insidious impacts is the degree to which, for many
kids, it introduces a gnawing uncertainty and concern into a world
that might have previously seemed completely secure and safe.”
Nearly three-quarters of bereaved kids said their loved one’s death
taught them that “life is not always fair.” Four in ten said they
sometimes now worry about their surviving parent or guardian dying
as well.
The Daily Challenge of School
For grieving kids, resuming normal life following loss demands
successfully navigating the school day. For many, this task becomes
harder.
Nearly half of kids say they are having more trouble
concentrating on school work and about three in 10 say they are not
doing as well in school as before. Just 27 percent say that going
to school after their loss was helpful.
The poll suggests that schools are challenged to provide
meaningful support to kids in grief. When asked to grade their
school and teachers on “helping me deal with my loved one’s death,”
most kids assigned them either a “C” (15 percent), a “D” (10
percent) or an “F” (23 percent).
Bereaved parents confirmed this view in a poll conducted by the
NAGC and the New York Life Foundation in summer 2011. In that poll,
about four in 10 parents said their children’s school was not well
prepared to help their children deal with their loss.
“During the week, kids spend as many of their waking hours in
school as they do at home. In many ways, school becomes the public
frame of reference for their grief,” said David Schonfeld, MD,
director of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement
at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. “Kids are pretty good at picking
up on social cues. If their teachers and other adults at school
seem uncomfortable or uninterested in their loss, they learn
quickly they will have to deal with their grief alone.
“Of course, educators have their hands full just managing the
day-to-day demands of educating our kids, and we are not suggesting
that educators be expected to counsel grieving children,” Dr.
Schonfeld said. “That said, for kids, much of life is all about
school, which means that teachers and counselors have a
considerable opportunity to lend support. Being helpful is
frequently just as simple as the act of inquiring, lending a word
of support or encouragement, or creating a little greater
understanding and awareness in the classroom, lunch room or
schoolyard.
“But individual teachers and counselors can’t do it alone,” he
said. “School administrations and schools of education need to
ensure all school staff learn more about grief’s impact and
consider how to better support the professionals who are in daily
and direct contact with grieving kids.”
Interestingly, though frequently more of a challenge for
bereaved kids, school becomes for many an opportunity to work
through their grief: About half say they remember and honor their
loved one by “trying to do well in school.”
“The fact that so many grieving kids view their success at
school as a ‘living memorial’ to a loved one is all the more reason
to ensure that schools are attentive and helpful to kids following
a loss,” Dr. Schonfeld said.
Striving for Normalcy
Even as they struggle with grief’s burden, many kids set their
sights on living a normal life and carry considerable hope for the
future.
Two-thirds say they continue to enjoy life and have fun, and
just as many express the wish to “just be treated like everyone
else.” More than half say that their future will “hopefully still
be good” and about the same number agreed that it will “still be
happy because I have great memories of my loved one.”
At the same time, many grieving kids are uneasy about the road
ahead: Nearly half feel that their future will “be harder than it
will be for other people.”
“It’s clear that though bereaved kids by and large are facing
the future with hope, many don’t know what to expect,” said McNiel.
“As a society, we need to get better at reassuring grieving kids
that though the grief journey is tough, they are not alone, and
there is every reason to look forward to a happy and fulfilling
life.
“Grief is not a problem that we are attempting to solve for a
child. It is an experience that a child lives – an experience that
has ebbs and flows,” McNiel said. “It is important that we provide
opportunities for children to express their grief in a safe way. At
the same time, just by maintaining normal interactions with
grieving kids and their families – and by being inclusive instead
of hesitant – we can reinforce that they are ‘still’ full members
of the community.”
Healing Can Begin with Communication
The findings suggest that, following a loss, just the mere act
of communicating about one’s loss is a struggle.
A little more than half of bereaved kids agree that after their
parent died their friends were very helpful and supportive, but at
the same time more than four in 10 say their “friends did not
understand what I was going through.”
Half agree that talking to their friends about their loss is
hard. Nearly four in 10 said that “most people don’t know how to
talk to you after your loved one dies.”
In the 2011 NAGC/New York Life poll, more than half – 56% -- of
bereaved parents agreed that “most adults don't know how to talk to
me or my kids when we run into them.” Nearly six of 10 parents said
that, after their loss, friends stopped talking with them and 70%
agreed that some of their friends or co-workers seemed
uncomfortable around them.
Yet, a little communication can go a long way.
Four in 10 kids say “I like it when people talk about my loved
one or share memories about them,” and the same number found that
“talking to others who have gone through the same thing” was a
helpful way to cope following their loss.
Parents affirm the value of communication: In the 2011 poll,
nine in 10 bereaved parents said they wished people understood that
“it’s better to say something and risk upsetting me than to ignore
my loss altogether.”
The Opportunity and Obligation to
Help
The poll’s overriding message is that when it comes to easing a
child’s grief journey, everyone can make a difference.
“As professionals focused on alleviating the burden of childhood
loss, we work to create compassionate environments where grieving
kids can meet other kids in the same circumstances, share feelings
of grief freely, and participate in fun and expressive activities
-- all of which encourages optimism and confidence,” said
McNiel.
“But a child’s grief reaction and healing journey are also
informed by daily interactions at school, at play and in the
community,” McNiel said. “That’s why it’s incumbent on all of us to
recognize grief’s impact, be thoughtful about the needs of the
grieving families – kids and adults alike – in our midst, and
educate ourselves about how to lend support. We can all help – and
we all have an opportunity and maybe even an obligation to do
so.”
New York Life Foundation Offers Information,
Guidance, Support
The New York Life Foundation has long been focused on serving
children in need. In 2008, the Foundation expanded that focus to
include an initiative to help children deal with the loss of a
parent, caregiver or sibling and to help parents and other caring
adults help children deal with the emotional turmoil that results
from the death of a close family member.
As part of its commitment, the Foundation has created a
brochure, “The Grief Journey of a Child,” intended to help
individuals help kids and families who are grieving. The brochure
includes an overview of the kids’ poll and related key findings,
kids talking about grief in their own words, a perspective on
childhood grief from a leading bereavement expert, and some tips
and resources for concerned friends of all ages.
The Foundation has a Website, www.AChildInGrief.com, which offers additional
informational and educational resources for parents, kids,
educators, and the public regarding loss. Those resources include a
downloadable brochure, “After a Loved One Dies – How Children
Grieve,” offering advice and guidance to parents and other
caregivers as they help children cope with their grief and fear
following a death in the family. For more information, please visit
www.AChildInGrief.com
Support also is available at www.ChildrenGrieve.org, offered by the National
Alliance for Grieving Children, including guides for parents and
educators, resources for professionals and volunteers providing
support to grieving children, and an interactive map identifying
family bereavement centers across the nation.
For full results of the New York Life/NAGC survey, please click
here; to view a video on the issue of childhood loss, please click
here.
On Wednesday, March 21, Chris Park, who is president of the New
York Life Foundation, will moderate a Twitter chat from 3:00-4:00
pm ET, offering tips and discussion around this important topic.
Search Twitter for #NYLTips to join the conversation.
About the Poll
The New York Life Foundation/National Alliance for Grieving
Children (NAGC) poll was conducted in-person at bereavement centers
during group sessions between November 21, 2011 and January 5,
2012. Children and teenagers under the age of 19 were given printed
copies of the survey, customized with questions pertaining to the
gender and type of family member they lost (parent or sibling). An
adult Group Leader read each question and response category aloud,
allotting time for every participant to answer. Surveys were
immediately sealed in an envelope and sent to New York Life
Foundation for data processing. Participation in the survey was
strictly voluntary and all answers remained confidential. In a
similarly sized random sample survey, the margin of error (at the
95% confidence level) for the total population in this study (531)
would be plus or minus approximately 4.3 percentage points. The
question “How long ago did your loved one die?” was answered by 497
respondents; the mean response was 2.2 years. The polling was
overseen by Mathew Greenwald & Associates, a premier
full service market research firm headquartered in Washington,
D.C.
About the New York Life Foundation
Inspired by New York Life’s tradition of service and humanity,
the New York Life Foundation has, since its founding in 1979,
provided more than $155 million in charitable contributions to
national and local nonprofit organizations. Through its focus on
“Nurturing the Children,” the Foundation supports programs that
benefit young people, particularly in the areas of educational
enhancement and childhood bereavement. The Foundation also
encourages and facilitates the community involvement of employees,
agents, and retirees of New York Life through its Volunteers for
Life program. To learn more, please visit the Foundation's Web site
at www.newyorklifefoundation.org.
About the National Alliance for Grieving Children
The National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC) promotes
awareness of the needs of children and teens grieving a death and
provides education and resources for anyone who wants to support
them. NAGC provides a network for nationwide communication between
hundreds of children's bereavement centers, helping professionals,
and concerned individuals who want to share ideas, information and
resources with each other to better support the families they serve
in their own communities. To learn more, please visit
www.childrengrieve.org.